I’ve been working on not saying sorry when a) I’m not sorry and b) it undermines my space in this world.

When I was walking into a bathroom recently, I almost ran into the person walking out of the bathroom. As I went to say “sorry”, I paused, shifted my perspective, and instead said, “excuse me.” I have been plagued with a chronic pathology of over-apologizing. By participating in this narrative, I teach myself and others that I am not worthy of the space that I occupy on this earth. I have been apologizing for the inconvenience of my very existence. I’ve apologized for existing. Over. And over. And over. What a hurtful way to treat myself…

… and others. If I’ve been so committed to apologizing to strangers for my sheer existence, what does a sincere apology look like? If I owe someone a true apology, am I offering an authentic amendment or once again apologizing because my existence is inconvenient or hurtful to them? The latter feels like the harsh truth.

We are taught that the amount of space we take up and the amount of noise that we make (figuratively and literally) are indirectly related to our acceptability and value in society. When I choose to stay small or stay quiet, I am either completely torn down or I am wanting to fit in/gain acceptance. Regardless, I am never being authentic in these moments.

I find my experience rather dichotomous. Whether it be with a boss or a friend, I rarely shy away from hard conversations. I’m the person you can always count on to 1) throw a hard T (truth), and 2) confront an issue almost before it’s even an issue (all out of love). And yet, I often still find myself thinking that I need to shrink myself down, be quieter, exist less in order to be acceptable. I sometimes act on it too. Knowing better isn’t always doing better. This will be a serious unlearning for me. Apologizing for my existence is deeply rooted.

I am worthy of the space that I occupy. You are too. ~Em