Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.
I was born to have imposters syndrome. I seldom believe that I am worthy of my successes. I have worked hard to dissect this and it has been real messy, and frankly, feels unfruitful. For me, worthy and qualified are very different things. I think both play a role, but worthiness by far takes the lead. I generally feel like I am qualified for a role, but I rarely feel like I am worthy of the success and the feeling of inadequacy is unrelenting.
I struggle to see why I am chosen for certain opportunities. I don’t know what people see in me versus the other incredible people who are vying for the same opportunities. It feels like someone made a mistake or is playing a cruel trick and I am a fool.
For me, imposters syndrome feels like a toxic dance of cockiness and shame. In an attempt to make reality feel true, I am often trying to convince myself that it is true. Part of this is sharing it with others. But then comes the shame of feeling like I am boasting. Of feeling like I don’t deserve it. Of being (fake) proud of myself. Of doing well when others may be struggling. But, worst of all, the shame of it not being possible that I can achieve and the humiliation of everyone being able to see that I’m being fooled.
It is very common for me to look at an exam and think “wow, I’m a really good guesser.” or “I wonder how big the curve was because there is no way I did this well.” It is with alarming frequency, as in every single exam I walk into, that I wonder “Is this the exam that will finally represent my inadequacy? Will this be the one that reveals I’m just winging this whole thing?” These are my actual thoughts. And it feels like it is getting worse as I get further into my degree.
It’s hard to explain, but the best way I have found to describe it to people is the lottery. Someone wins the lottery, but I know it won’t be me. In my head, the lottery happens to some entity somewhere, but that entity doesn’t really exist. The odds of winning are virtually zero. And this is how I feel about vet school and other accomplishments. They happen to other people, but the likelihood is so low that it doesn’t really exist to me. Even when it actually IS my reality, I still perceive that it doesn’t exist. Does that make sense?
The answer is no. It doesn’t make sense. It may be relatable, but it doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s such disordered thinking and yet, I don’t know how to reconcile the disconnection between reality and my perception. My science brain tells me that there is no way I can guess my way to a good grade in vet school (especially when you have to write in the answer), but my toxic brain tells me there is no way I deserve to do well and that it will all collapse one day.
Here’s what I know to be true for everyone around me (so it must be true for me even if I don’t believe it):
- You are in vet school. You are brilliant.
- You are worthy of your success.
- You deserve the good things that come your way.
- You get to be proud of yourself.
- Own your greatness. You earned it.
~ Em
