More and more I realize how much I cherish my time. I am always grateful to have more time for studying; I can and do utilize it productively. But I rarely feel satisfied when I get more time for myself and my satisfaction never correlates to the actual amount of time I have available. It’s rather confusing since this is the kind of time that I yearn for most. Why is one piece of time so helpful while that same amount of time (but a different kind of it) is almost hurtful? Why can I use one time so productively but not the other?
I met the answer to this question with much resistance. It isn’t about the time. It never was about the time. Here’s what I mean.
Say you have a loved one with a terminal illness and you know how close the end is. Often times you have had many years with this individual, so much time. And now you are faced with the reality that this time can and will be taken from you very, very soon. In this minute window of time that you have left, you work to cherish every moment of it. But it’s not about the time that you have with them. You’ve had time with them, and you didn’t utilize. It’s actually about the space that you create in those last days. Many of us will clear our entire lives to create space for these last moments. It’s only a short amount of time, but it’s such a huge amount of space, and we often hold tight to these last moments that we share with our loved ones.
Another example is time that you have with a close friend that you rarely see. Maybe they live out of town, or maybe you just have really busy lives and schedules that don’t align. The time that you do get with them may be much, much smaller than the amount you share with other friends. And yet, it may be the most healing of all. Again, it’s not about the time.
Don’t get me wrong, time is helpful in getting things (such as studying) done, but it isn’t as helpful when it comes to relationships and connection and recharging. Even when I find myself having time (which is infrequent), I’m so charged from the daily grind that the “empty” time I do have is still occupied.
So, it really comes down to energy. Do I have the energy to experience my life and connect with others and just be? Or am I moving through my days as a robot with so little energy that I feel bad for utilizing it to feed myself or connect with my people?
Maybe it’s time (no pun intended, I can’t think of a different word) to let go of the concept of time and the value I put on it. Time doesn’t really exist nor do I have the ability to control or change it. But I can change where I put my energy. I can choose to put it toward being present for myself and staying grounded and connecting with others. I can prioritize and control how much energy I put into the different facets of my life.
It’s not about time. It’s about energy.
And I wish I had more to go around. ~Em
